so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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