I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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