I wish I could teleport
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
