need another drink. this is the easiest way
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
