i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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