I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
