i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
