last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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