mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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