You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
