its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
