you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
