Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
