I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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