3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Couch. On fire.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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