hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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