I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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