Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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