I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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