fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
