I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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