Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
