the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
