that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
