News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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