he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
