Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
