Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
