can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
bring money and cleavage
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
