did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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