Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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