Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
