I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She told me I should be a condom model.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
