i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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