just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
