Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
PANTIES FOUND
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