I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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