I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
