I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
