He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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