you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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