I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
