sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
