I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
