my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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