i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
