I'm really into asian looking animals
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
