I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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