i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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