Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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