God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
