I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
