so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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