tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
