so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
