i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.