Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
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In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!